a sense of derangement

3 Aug

Some people live a good life, and some live a bad one. Well there are some, they live life like a swing that sways back and for from the good to the bad and takes an occasional extra leap to one of those ends. It may sound too good at times but the disruptions it can produce later on leads to sheer madness within the mind.

Only the few chosen unfortunates get to live this way, through some fault of their own or maybe none. It kind of gives one a great deal of hope during those good times but only to bring it all down crashing with what has to follow. And at the worst possible times they are shown a ray of hope to cling by, but sooner or later, that will go away too.

It is under such confusing circumstances that they try to live an ordinary life, attain some sort of stability. Even if a certain amount of stability is attained, it is only to be ruined by the fear of disruptions that lingers somewhere in the back of their mind. It is some sort of a curse that you can’t escape from. Sometimes you fail to notice it even exists.

It is under such madness that they try to make friends, to be one with the society. It becomes a tough task to look at others without any involvement of your inner confusion. Everyone seems to be hiding some sort of hatred against you and it pushes you further inwards your shell. No matter how much one tries to get close to you, you can’t let them in. You are constantly reminded of all the worse that is to follow this good moment, this tiny little moment of joy that you can have. All that clouds your mind is the thought of falling harder that you have before.

Relationship fails to survive, friendships cease to exist and a certain amount of madness remains inevitable. It is amazing how at this point everything seems so very much against you that you feel you are the root cause of everything wrong around you. Maybe you are, maybe you aren’t, how would you know?

Maybe all your inner negativity and self-loathing is the cause of all wrong around you. Or maybe that’s the reason you feel everything’s wrong around you despite them being all fine. What can you do in such a case? Reach out to someone? But you have never learned to trust a person or open up to anyone. All you can do is get more entwined in the thoughts of self-loathing and pity and try to survive another day amongst the crowd.

So why am I writing this? I am not sure, maybe I am stuck somewhere in such a position and I can’t seem to find a way out. And what bothers me most is, is this for real? Or is this just another manifestation of my self-loathing?

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